Jay's Chatterbox: How to use Turtles instead of Houses

Hello, my fiendish fiends! And welcome to another one of my brain children. Let's begin on this episode.

Like so many people in the media, I've been following the spiraling downfall that is the writer of a very popular wizard story. She Who Must Not Be Named has said some extremely insensitive and harmful things. Things that hurt many of the very fans she had inspired through the years. And so many of these things she will double down on even when she's met with the most serious of backlash.

I mean, under normal circumstances, I'd admire her convictions. But this is not the hill to die on, Joanne!

Anyway, so many people are trying to separate the work from the author. Impossible; writing is an extension of the creator's mind. And you see it all over the inside of the books. Racist depictions, hypocritical themes, a dangerous class system upheld, all of it makes so much sense now that she's been outed as The Worst™. But there's one thing I continue to see referenced and that's the Hogwarts houses. So, today, I offer you an alternative.

My friends, I would like to reintroduce you to four pizza-loving brothers; The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Now stick with me! Each of them is a nearly perfect parallel to each of the Hogwarts houses. And, what's even better is there's no test to take. Which ever turtle is your favorite is the one you relate to most.. It's just the natural order of things. So let me explain which House is your house depending on our boys named after artists. And will go from most to least obvious.

Donatello - Ravenclaw: So, any of you who know the turtles and this house know why this is obvious. Donnie is the brains of the group. The highly intelligent tech guy. He seeks the knowledge before he worries about anything else. On the downside, this makes it hard for him to know how to act in more social situations. He's a bookworm. The very definition of an awkward nerd. And that is very much a Ravenclaw; brainy and eccentric. Sometimes just a little too pragmatic. Might often get lost in their own thoughts about literally anything. (It's me. I'm Donnie.) There's not much to go into here. Like I said; it's the most obvious.

Michelangelo - Hufflepuff: There's a reason people fall for Mikey so much and why he's the easiest to put up front. He's the fun one of the group. Sweet, childish, naive, and kind of rambunctious. He can also be horribly scatterbrained. But he does have a surprising penchant for darkness that shocks everyone, including his brothers. But saying he hasn't snapped, he's fiercely loyal and ready to make a joke about any situation. Also, he's typically the first one to dig into the pizza when it comes in. He is the perpetual little brother. Plus, out of all the turtles, Mikey's the one most likely to be a stoner. There's a reason the Hufflepuff dorm was near the kitchen.

Now onto the less obvious two.

Raphael - Gryffindor: Now, for those who know both, I know you're thinking this wouldn't make sense. Raph is the “bad boy” of the turtles! Gryffindors are the good guys! Hear me out. The books were told from the point of view of a Gryffindor, thus making them the good guys throughout the series. Second, Raphael is honor bound; not to the traditions but to himself. He does what he does because he takes his missions seriously. He would make an amazing leader if he wasn't so hot-headed. And Gryffindors are very much the same way. It's not about holding up the status quo; it's about doing what right regardless. Fuck tradition; Raph does what no one else is brave enough to do! (Bossman is Raph.)

So now...

Leonardo - Slytherin: Leo is almost always the leader of the four and horribly ambitious when it comes to his position. He typically keeps calm and poised when everyone and everything is falling apart around him. He's also extremely clever when it comes down to a battle. If Captain America turned into a turtle, he'd be a lot like Leo. But he also upholds the old ways even when it might be better to do something else. The way Splinter taught them always trumps a newer style. Downside? He can be arrogant and maybe a little too bossy to his brothers which often causes a rift between him and Raphael. (you know, the Gryffindor?) But even with all of this, his persistence and stubborn nature helps him figure out ways around every situation.

And there we have it. It matches up almost as if TJ Bowling saw it before me. But there is one important distinction. Ahem.

NONE OF THEM ARE THE RACIST BAD GUYS OF THE STORY.

The Howard Plopper series had an entire room dedicated to the future villains of the world. And they were all put in there by their personality type. So even if they weren't originally bad, their company would help steer them in that direction. The dungeon might as well have been named “Bad Guy HQ” for how subtle is was. You can argue all day that #notallsytherins but we all know that's bullshit. Even if the four of them aren't always on the same page, they're on the same side. And all four of them represent all the people we meet through our lives.

There is not a person on this planet that can't relate to one of the turtles on some level. And it's in the exact same fashion as people who relate to their houses. But the difference is they accept each other as a family rather than making every moment a straight up competition. (Yeah, I know sibling rivalry's a thing. But it's not House Points level.) This also helps further drive home that the houses aren't even really that unique.

So yeah: Stop using Houses. Start using Turtles. Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.

Fare Thee Well!